Sunday, December 05, 2004
im reaching for the phone to call at 7:03, and on ur machine i slur a plea for u to com home, but i kno its too late, i shuld hev given u a reason to stay
*instincts r misleading, u shuldnt think wot ur feeling*
a new day...
with the same old worries on my mind.
i kno how to fix this. bc i *hev* to fix it. i cant go on obsessing, getting my hopes up, being pushed down, and then do it again.
so he said he still loves me, rite? well, he says it, but he surely doesnt show it.
ill just assume that he doesnt want nething mroe from me nemore.
unless he says otherwise.
my problem solved?
well, not really. but at least now my emotions can ride somthing other than a rollercoaster.
maybe just go eat carmel apples with nuts, instead.
[my emotions love carmel apples with nuts...]
adam says hes coming out tonite. he said he wuld help me make my gingerbread house.
im excited ^^
i love making gingerbread houses. i saw a gingerbread housemaking kit at fredmeyers on my dads birthday [last sunday] and i got it =] i cant wait to put it together. i mite start b4 he gets here, tho, and then wen [if..] he does get here, it'll b put together so we can decorate it.
im still listening to death cab for cutie. their 'transatlanticism' cd has just seemed so...fitting? i guess the word wuld b..
well, im getting tired. and i gott pee really bad.
Random thots made public at 05:13 pm by pointless
Saturday, December 04, 2004
its too important to stay the way its been
hev u evr heard that death cab for cutie song, title and registration?
Title and Registration
The glove compartment isn't accurately named
and everybody knows it
so I'm proposing a swift, orderly change
'cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
and all I find are souvenirs from better times
before the gleam of your tail lights fading east
to find yourself a better life
I was searching for some legal document
as the rain beat down on the hood
when I stumbled upon pictures I tried to forget
and that's how this idea was drilled into my head
'cause it's too important to stay the way it's been
but there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
and here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night
but there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone just like it wasn't there at all
and here I rest: where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night; all night, when I'm lying awake at night
thats for those who hevnt heard it.
emotions actually almost suck. u kno?
so, im going on with my life, evryday convincing myself that i am mad at him, that i hate him for wot he did.
but then..one day...i sign on and ive got 2 new emails.
which is weird, bc i only evr hev one new email evry day, and thats from Dictionary.Com's "word of the day" email thing [i already kno i dont hev a life, dont wrry]. so of course i go to look.
its from jake.
he starts out by saying i was jumping to conclusions.
that he really didnt lie.
that he still cares.
that hes sorry...
i just sat there. for like. 10 minutes reading and re-reading.
he'd added me to his new email, too, which was probly good, bc i had deleted the old one, bc its not somthing id hev been able to deal with...
knowing hes there, knowing i really do still like him [thats not somthing i can just stop doing], and yet that hes still ignoring me.
so, i dont kno wot to do now. im so confused. so, of course, i ask becca....
she says shes not so sure about it.
so i ask johnny...
he says hes not so sure about it.
wen the whole thing first happened, i wuld wake up, and think it hadnt actually happened. or id think that he'd say it wasnt really him. or somthing was misinterpretted, or misunderstood, or somthing, i dont kno wot, exactly.
i wuld think, som1 who u believe loves u so much doesnt just stop loving u like that...
i wuld com home thinking it wasnt real.
and then id hev to convince myself it was.
and then id hev to convince myself i hated him.
lots of convincing going on.....
now its just like he really is saying that. but hes not saying he still wants to b with me. actually, he mentions a reason y he thinks we cant. or shuldnt. theres an easy way around it, i kno, bc a girl in one of my classes last year did it wen she had to move to maine with her fiance, who was in the military, and while she was still finishing up highschool. so its not really evn a problem.
but i just dont kno if its really wot he wants....
he said he still cares in the email.
that he still has feelings for me.
and god knows, i still like him.
but wot now?
im too scared to just com out and ask. im too scared to assume. im too scared to ask "can u call me" or to say "i love you" and hope he says it bak.
he wrote that he wasnt ready for a relationship rite now.
he wrote that he didnt want to go to bootcamp while in a relationship.
Random thots made public at 10:38 pm by pointless
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
stupid boys and their stupid sleeping
adam was sposed to com ovr today. he got off work at 6, the power went out at 6. but he didnt kno that, so i assumed if he *really* truly wanted to hang out, he'd hev called [our phones work evn if the powers out, its pretty nifty] but.....he didnt. not that i really expected him to.
so i wasnt extremely disappointed. just a little bit.
i was so mad at chris today, tho. he gives me a ride to school evryday, i work rite next to his house, so hes not really going out of his way to take me, bc he goes the same time i do, and we pay him $5 a week to do so. but every wednesday, and somtimes other random schooldays, hes late picking me up, so im late to school. that doesnt bother him much, but id really like to get there and get my crap done so i dont fall behind, bc ive played that game b4, and i dont want to play it again. so i called him at 10:45, 15minutes till school started, and left a msg on the machine. then called again at 11, wen school started, then again at 11:15, and i mite hev tried one more time at 11:20, im pretty sure i did. but finally i was just really getting irked about the whole thing, and miss cindy [the director at the preschool] was like, ill take u. so she had to walk across the icey parking lot with a broken foot to take me to school. i was mad. i was also a good 30-40 minutes late. i explained things to tanya, and shes like, its all good. how awsome is she?
so during my last class, chris walks into the classroom, and im still mad at him, so i gave him attitude. and hes like "fok this, i came to see if u made it to school and i get shit" and im thinking, wot do u expect, a pat on the bak? u ditched me, im not gonna reward u for that. so we'll see wot happens tomorrow.
i think im just moody bc of the depo. the lady said i mite b. and maybe im just easily irritated bc of it, i dont kno. but i still think that was really bad of him. neways, its not like 11am is that early. evn if u work till 2am. still not that early. and its only on wednesdays.
i shuld stop now.
Random thots made public at 09:47 pm by pointless
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
so i got the depo prevara shot today. i hadnt actually intended to....but i was at the public health center and the lady was like "i can giv u one rite now!" and i was like...uhhh ok, sure.. it didnt really hurt at first, no more than most shots do, but it was weird with the whole pulling down my pants thing, and stuff, bc i think my ass is one of my worst features =\ not good at all. but after awhile, it gets really sore, so it feels like ive got a really bad bruise.
stupid shots in the butt ><
becca got home today, it was kewl getting to see her again, i love that girl. we just did lots of talking and stuff, about her trip and wot she did, and wot she got. she sounded like she had a lot of fun, bastard ><
and she didnt get me nething =[ i *spose* she has a good excuse, with the whole 'eating' thing, but god, who eats? seriously, here.... =P
adam didnt com out.
go figure, tho, boys r just like that i guess. so i just went to phil's house instead, bc i told him id hang out with him this week, and i'v crapped out on him like 5 times in the last 2 months, so i felt really bad. it was fun, tho, we hung out and watched anime and homestarrunnerstuff, and all that fun stuff ^^ and got to talk and b stupid, and it was just overall a good time, id say =]
anyways, im doing good.
i hevnt thot about jake at all today.
lol im stupid =]
Random thots made public at 10:54 pm by pointless
Monday, November 29, 2004
im sorry if i'v been moving my blog bak and forth to so mny different addies lately.
the first change was to get rid of a creepystalker who had the address. once i moved it, he assumed it was deleted.
the second time was bc i didnt kno if i really wanted jake reading, bc i was so hurt by his actions.
and now ive moved it bak, bc ive realized he probly doesnt actually care enuff to read it, for one, and for two, i really dont care if he does. i dont need to rearrange my life bc of the decisions he made/makes, rite, or wrong. it was an irrational thing for me to do neways, somthing that came out of how i was feeling at the time, im sure u can understand.
neways, i moved it bak also bc i like this address [incarnadine]
so neways, if u were wondering wot the crap was going on, thats it.
Random thots made public at 09:00 pm by pointless
and it reads just like the bible, twenty centuries of scandal
everything jake ever said was a lie.
i cant believe i was so stupid as to believe wot he said to me...
wen i needed him the most, he wasnt there. but the fact he culdnt actually tell me that? that was harsh.
i wish boys didnt lie to me. its like their favorite past-time, tho. see who can hurt me the most, u kno? i often think about giving up on relationships and stuff. but then again, im too scared *not* to b in one. im a vry needy person. i need constant TLC, and thats wot kills me. really, tho, i think i just want to b able to go thru my day *knowing* that som1 really loves me. not just bc im family, not just as a friend, but actually loves me, and cares for me, and wants to b with me.
but, boys like that dont exist in real life.
only in fairy tales and disney movies.
and i was just luky enuff to not b born into either one of those. damnit.
so, i dont really feel like nightschool nemore. being at school from noon to 5 is awful. i just get so unfocused by the end of the day, u kno?
im still unfocused ><
becca's coming home tomorrow =]
might go celebrate her return, then go to the valley hotel.. =P i almost feel bad about it, tho, bc i did promise jake i wuldnt. but after the shit he pulled?
give me one good reason to.
she wants me to. and she actually gives a damn. she doesnt lie to me. he does. so who shuld i want to please more?
god, im like a puppy.
a lost one.
the nicest person to me gets total devotion.
i mean, maybe if he had handled it better, like told me the truth, or talked to me, or somthing, i wuldnt b so upset.
but i think how he handled it shows a lot about who he is, really. not just who he wanted me to think he was.
neways. enuff feeling sorry for myself for one nite?
Random thots made public at 06:45 pm by pointless
Saturday, November 27, 2004
lying foking bastards.
u kno, evn the others foking told me wen they were dumping me.
u just led me on.
were u hoping to just make it hurt more?
were u hoping i wuldnt find out, so my life wuld stay hell while i waited for u to start caring again?
and then you hev the nerve to say that YOU'r the one mistreated?
that YOU'r the one who's been let down?
u were supposed to b different from the rest.
wot happened to that?
Random thots made public at 05:53 pm by pointless
last nite...was probly one of the worst nites ive evr had..
i dont think ive evr cried that hard b4. its hard, knowing ur losing somthing that means so much to u....
u kno how they say, if u really love someone, uv got to let them go...
that you hurt the ones you love the most...
i kno im wrong for him. he needs so much rite now, that i cant giv him.
he said not to worry...but this is how it always happens.
wen they stop talking to me..
they stop listening..
they stop doing all the things they used to, to show u that they care.
thats wot scott did, thats wot fidget did, they couldnt just say it, they culdnt just say
"ur not wot i want"
culdnt just say
"ur not making me happy"
they just......left me hanging...and then, after a week, or three, they wuld say...
"my parents r mad, ur not 17" [a month b4 my birthday]
"we'r just growing apart" [he says, from new york]
"im in a funk....."
im tired of boys doing this to me.
of course, ill nvr stop loving them.
but y is it, can som1 tell me, please...
the more i love a boy, the sooner he leaves me?
the more i love him, the less he wants me?
maybe ill stop taking my meds for awhile.
so i can go visit discovery again.
and relax....with their bright-colored rooms, and ppl who wont judge me.
or tell me they dont want me.
they'll listen, and they'll tell me i really am worth it...
really am worth so much.
or maybe ill just hide in my room
dont talk to ne1
dont write to ne1
just lay here and sleep, and dream, and pretend that evrythings ok
today me and nate were in line at blockbuster
and there was a boy and a girl infront of us
his arm around her
she was leaning into him
he kissed her cheek
Random thots made public at 03:26 pm by pointless
Friday, November 26, 2004
and try to just keep moving on, with my broken heart and my absent God, and i hev no faith but its all i want, to b loved and to believe in my soul
god wot an awful day.
me and scott had plans to go snowboarding today. i told him
call me at 8am
and he says
that doesnt sound to u like he has a problem with it, does it?
bc it doesnt to me.
i wake up and im like, oh shit....
i missed his call.
but mum said she hasnt heard the phone ring.
and dad says that he hasnt heard the phone ring.
so wait a minute.....wots going on here?
he signs online, his new sn "spazzy - snowboarding"
oh, rite. i get it now
heres how that went:
and try to j: hey
§pazzay - §n: hey
and try to j: howd it go?
§pazzay - §n: i thought your mom would get mad at me for
calling at 8:20
§pazzay - §n: this morning
and try to j: uhhuh
§pazzay - §n: serious if you want to go call me
§pazzay - §n: so i know your ready
and try to j: yea, see, i told u to call to wake me up.
and try to j: if u wanted me to call, or if u had a
problem with calling, u shulda told me. stead of
crapping out on me.
§pazzay - §n: i am sorry
and try to j: but dont wrry, mums not mad at u at all,
so good job avoiding that one.
§pazzay - §n: ????
§pazzay - §n: meh
and try to j: yea.
so, how sorry does he sound to u? "meh" just isnt really an "im sorry" kind of word.
hevnt talked to him since
and i dont plan to.
so, since i didnt go snowboarding, i ended up staying home and getting in som huge fight with my mum.
i want to go to wasilla, she says she'll take me wen my rooms clean.
so my room gets clean.
so we'r upstairs eating food b4 we go, and we get into an argument bc she cant keep track of the money she pays me each week. she tells me to, and i say
its not my job to keep track of ur money, ur the one losing it.
and she says im a nasty
bitch child; says im disgusting.
yes, well guess where i got it from, mother dear?
i learn it from u.
i pick up on all ur nastiness, and giv it bak.
so she goes to the medicine cabinet and shoves medication down my throat
yes, that'll make me stop hating u.
"get somthing to drink"
"open ur door"
i dont want to look at u
"take ur meds"
they wont stop me from hating you.
and so she doesnt take me to wasilla.
she always makes deals with me, then breakes them...
not that i wanted her to take me.
i cant stand her.
theres other problems im having today, but i think ill skip talking about them. im just getting worn out on worrying.
my horoscope says today will b a 4-star day...
Random thots made public at 06:09 pm by pointless
Thursday, November 25, 2004
reading between the lines
i love you
wuld i lie to u?
but i hate myself
Random thots made public at 07:55 pm by pointless
...and i turn around and hannah's laying on my bed holding a piece of pizza crust in the air. "hannah?" she lowers her arm, and smiles. i love hannah's smile.
and now, her hair matches her eyes. again. it's lovely. lovely-magnificent.
-written by: my sawa-
nIcKnameS: HaNaNaH, HaNNaBie, YaBaNa
BirTHdaY: ocT. 6, 1987
PerSonaLiTy: SiLLy, SemI-ouTgoIng, EasiLy EnTerTaIneD, noT HarD To PLeaSe, worKinG on mY seLF-eSTeeM
orIgInaL HaIr cOLOr: BrOwn
FavorITe CoLoR: BLuE
auThoR: cHucK PaLaHniuK
MovIes: BooNdocK SaInTs, FighT CluB, DoNNiE DarKo, PirAtes ofthe CaRRibeaN, AmerIcaN HisTorY X
FavOriTe pLacE tO bE: oN sAwAs bEd
MusIc: mOsT rOcK, TecHnO/DanCe
somthing about your eyes
makes me wish ud start to cry,
and somthing about ur mouth
makes me wish ur smile was permanently upside-down;
with the sound of ur voice, the silence breaks,
and i fnd myself wishing u wuld suffocate,
to stop all the crazy things u make me feel,
like the screaming rage of defiance,
but with ur death coms a perfect silence...
so ill waste my days hoping
that somthing will leave u choking,
and no1 will hear ur cries for help,
leaving me with the greatest feeling ive nvr felt.
-mY KinKy FeTisHes-
FisHneT [sHirTs, sTocKinGs, eTc]
PiGGy BacK RiDes
sHavinG mY LeGs
PinsTriPes [PanTs, sKirTs, eTc]
THinGs [sHineY, FuZZy, sParKLeY, FLuFFy, CoLorFuL]
MaMMaLs [monKeYs, DoGS, PonIeS, eLaPHanTs, CoWs, PiGGieS, PanDaS]
amPHiBiaNs [FroGs, TurTLes]
add me to your msn msngr =)